What I want

Sometimes I get the feeling that people wonder "why is her weight making her so depressed?" or sometimes I get the "your not even that big" comment. Sometimes I don't even know why my weight makes me depressed, there are plenty of people out there that are perfectly happy with being over weight and it doesn't bother them. I guess the only way I can explain is it that I don't feel like ME. 

Before the weight gain, I was flirty, fun, confident, sporty, outgoing and funny oh, I was also hot. I loved the beach and being in a bikini and that's who I was. Being a mom changes people, for the better and I love being a mommy to my beautiful daughter but I also let the pregnancy change me in ways that were negative, the weight gain. Its not the fact that pregnancy made me fat. I made me fat. I didn't work hard enough or stay focused on what i was eating and how much I was eating plus I didn't exercise at all. Weight gain + post-partum depression put me in a really bad place. One day I will make a post about my how my pregnancy + labor & delivery caused post-partum. 

Anyways, so this is what I want..

• To wear a bikini and feel comfortable in it. 
• To wear a size 7 in jeans. 
• To be able to wear a tight dress and feel sexy. 
• To make love with Ryne without keeping my shirt on. 
• To be able to cuddle on the couch and not feel humongous. 
• To to do yoga the RIGHT way 
• To just wear a tank top and shorts without rolls and fat spilling everywhere. 
• To be able to wear skinny jeans without feeling extremely bloated and uncomfortable. 
• To go down a bra size so my boobs don't hurt. 
• To go to  out in public without constantly thinking about how big I look. 
• To be able to go to the dressing room and try on clothes without crying. 
• To be able to put on an outfit and say "yea I look good"
• To be able to play with Allie outside without getting all sweaty and out of breath. 
• To learn how to paddle board. 
• To be able to set an example of "feeling good in your own skin" to Allie. 
• To be positive. 
• To be able to wear anything at all while being comfortable at the same time. 
• I want Ryne to be able to pick me up and swing me around without feeling like hes going to hurt himself. 
• To wear sexy underwear. 
• To walk into Victoria Secret and be able to find something that fits me. 
• To not look in the mirror and feel disgusting.
• I want the "holy shit you got hot".
• I want my body to be the sexiest outfit I own.
• To get my belly button pierced and it actually look good. 
• I want to feel good in my skin and I want to love myself.
• Most of all, I want to be healthy.

There is so much more to "I just want to be skinny"